Whenever people bring up what they hate in life, they would sometimes make a scene about it. Sometimes, it doesn’t look like a big deal in front of your eyes, making you wonder why it makes him/her so mad. And sometimes, they have every right to be angry about it to express their hatred. A lot of those times is because some people do it when they are in their character (Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob, Angry Video Game Nerd, etc.). I have had those moments, and I will admit that I have gone overboard without thinking. There hasn’t been a single thing in my past that I have thrown a fit about on what I hate that hurt me before. But in this case, High School USA! has hurt me to the point that I will never see this show again.
If you want to talk about a show that is, not only garbage, but also an entire landfill that is so big that it can be it’s own nation, High School USA! would be the name of it. Just seeing how outrageously foul this show is trying to be by trying to make fun of the current generation of high school students (which I would love to do) is all ruined in this show. The characters are irritating and hard to sit through, the written dialog would make Adult Swim blush, and the animation is kind of questionable for me, but I will get to that in a sec. I have seen so much shows in the past that I consider to be bad, like Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show, but High School USA! makes me want to watch them again.
Just in case a lot of you guys who are reading this are safely living under a rock not knowing what High School USA! is, then feel greatfull that you made this far without not knowing what this show is. If you are still living on this beautiful green and blue planet and have never seen a single second of this show, then you are a survivor. But unfortunately, I need to explain what this show is. In the fall of 2013, Fox now made a late night block that is kind of like their own version of Adult Swim for those who can’t afford cable. This was called Fox ADHD. If that sounds familiar to you, look up Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles. Some people like those videos, but I don’t really care for them. Fox ADHD’s first show that they aired was Axe Cop. I didn’t find it funny, which disappointed me. I don’t think it’s bad, but I don’t think its good either. I just don’t see enough material for me to watch some more or do a review of it.
As for High School USA!, there was a lot for me to hate from the first episode that I saw. Sexting. If you think that the title automatically means sexual masterbation from phones, oh believe me. You’re pretty wrong about that. This episode starts off with 5 of the main characters in a diner called “Le American Diner”, for some reason. The main characters are
Marsh, the lead of the show,
Amber, the worst irritating blonde of all time (and yes, I will elaborate further with this),
and Blackstein. No, I did not make that name up to make fun of him. Blackstein is a real name. However, I felt as if this show wanted to use that name to make fun of this character. I can’t prove it, but that’s what this whole character feels like to me, from his race, to him being a stereotypical dork. And by the way, he’s being played by Nathan Barnatt. The man who I used to like, until he kind of gave up the whole Keith Apacary craze, and stayed with making, well…….something that is not Keith Apacary. Wish he went back to doing Keith Apacary videos.
So, Amber is getting ready for one of their old friends, Brent, who is coming back as a student in High School USA. Amber only has one problem: she has never seen his penis, and doesn’t believe that they exist, but she still wants to see one. Now you know what this episode is about. And then we get the opening title screen, showing me the creator of the show, Dino Stamatopoulos. Dino Stamatopoulos is the writer of MADTv, Community, and for several late night talk show host, such as David Letterman and Conan O’Brien. Not only that, but according to IMDb, he also wrote for 7 episodes of Mr. Show, which I have seen almost one episode, and I thought that what I saw was hilarous!
Yes, you did see both Bob Odenkirk and David Cross. Always wondered what they were both doing before Arrested Development and Breaking Bad? Wonder no more.
By the way, before I go any further, when I first went into this show I went with an open mind, not knowing what this show was going to be about. I only saw this just because I saw that this was playing after Ax Cop and see what kind of shows ADHD was going to air, wondering if this was going to be like Adult Swim or not. Plus, I don’t care for Adult Swim anymore. So keep that in mind as you read my pain and anguish.
After the intro is done, we get to my point of what I said about Amber being the worst irritating blonde ever. Amber’s character is this same blonde stereotype mentality, who dresses in pink, sleeps in a room full of pink, and speaks in the same kind of lingo that almost every blonde stereotype that you have ever seen, with “whatever” or “like, totally!” The scene after the credits shows Amber having a conversation with her mom. This scene alone sums up what I hate about her, and worse yet, her mother talking exactly like Amber. Amber’s mom is dressed up like her, acts just like her, and thinks just like her too.
And Amber’s mom approves of her seeing Brent’s willy. This is making both Rose and Jackie Tyler from Doctor who look likable. No one is suppose to make me say or think that. Thank you very much High School USA! I hope you are happy to make the impossible possible. Now I can no longer think that Rose Tyler is the worst thing in the entire world!
Amber and Cassandra both have a conversation in the restroom stall of all places to talk about Brent. Why in the restroom stall? I don’t know. The rest of the girls are talking about a subject that is relatable in the restroom. All Cassandra is doing is using the toilet, which Amber can do the same thing in the other stall. Amber doesn’t want Cassandra to show anyone else about the penis, just to have her study it. Yeah, I don’t get it at all. Not only that, but do these two think that these restroom stalls are sound proof? I would be amazed if they are. I say that because there are two other women right outside in front of the sinks. The other two are talking about penises, and because Cassandra is through with people just hearing about penises sizes, she told them to take pictures of them and send them. And she did just that. So every girl in the school sees this, and Amber does not like this for one bit. But everyone else starts to see Brent’s penis, including the lunch ladies, which should get their attention to tell to the principal so he can figure out who took and send the picture to.
Marsh thinks a solution up to save Brent’s life, and this is where I think is the greatest low of the show. His plan is to have every male high school student to take cell phone pictures of their penises, and send them to the girls. I did a research on Jonathan Goldwater, the creator of Archie comics, just because I wanted to see if he had anything to do with this show or if he said anything about High School USA! My reason is because the most commented thing about High School USA! is how this show is suppose to be a spoof of Archie. I never read a single Archie comic before in my entire life, nor do I find any interest. But I have found no comments from Goldwater about this show. However, if this is really suppose to be a direct spoof of Archie, then I can safely say that I am looking forward to the other horrible spoof movies that are coming out this year, because this moment that Marsh just showed me will make me want to watch A Haunted House 2. Just the fact that he wants Brent to stop feeling humiliated by telling all the guys in the men’s locker room to show all the girls their family jewels makes all of the Scary Movie movies watchable. I feel very stupid not to figure out that this is a spoof of Archie, but being done in the most disgusting and immature way possible.
Amazingly enough, the reality that this world lives in has no shame or morality as every guy in the locker room accept’s Marsh’s plan to take pictures of their penises. I could make some comical suggestions out of sarcasm on what they would rather do at this point, but I don’t want to give them any ideas. Plus, from what I just seen, they would do it, blindly and willingly. But in the next day, Cassandra says that after she has seen the massive amount of wood that was posted and sent to her, she said that she feels like she should call the police. She said that with concern and shock. Remember, this is coming from the same girl who started all of this. Marsh is the only one who hasn’t taken a picture of his penis, only because he can’t get it rock solid. Blackstein thought this was just to make Brent’s penis not look ugly by comparison, not make it uglier than everyone else, but nobody acknowledges it. Marsh does manage to get a metal rod on the end with having both Cassandra and Amber in the same car together. The two girls helped gave Marsh an erection by getting along with each other. Remember boys and girls, if you experience something wrong in your chonies, that’s probably because your mom is finally getting along with her sister-in-law! I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence.
So, this whole episode ends with Marsh’s penis being sent to everyone else in their school, hoping that this would bring the whole justice department to turn High School USA! into one big prison. And all of the pictures gave Brent dick cancer, causing him to die, according to Blackstein. This ending made this whole episode pointless, wasted my time, and ends with all of the pictures being posted and censored on the credits. They all look like rejected Tetris pieces.
And that was High School USA! It felt like I watched a tragedy before my eyes! I know that these episodes only last for less than 15 minutes, but they feel like a full 30 minutes. This show, created by the same guy who writes for both Lettermen and O’Brien, is not only the worst thing I have ever seen from him, but THE WORST TV SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! It was a hard watch, it had no redeemable moments, and not one joke made me laugh. I find this whole reality impossible for me to accept as a spoof, since there doesn’t seem to be a right or a wrong. It made me feel unclean just watching it, as well as being embarrassed watching it alone. I’m glad that this was the last time I will ever watch High School USA!, and I will move on to reviewing something else.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot my score.